It's funny how I only feel the need to write something when I'm in a bad mood. I guess it's my release to a certain extent. Too bad I'm not more eloquent; I could make these into songs.

I just had an epiphany. I am never going to be happy with the way I look. Specifically, I will never be happy with my weight. Yes, I know, weight is just a number, but it's more than that. It's the size of my jeans, how large I look in a window, or my body fat percentage. I can't help but see myself in a mirror and be discontented. It's not that I'm fat, although technically, I'm pretty close. It's just that I feel I should be smaller, compounded by the fact that Matt is the skinniest person on the planet. I guess some of my thinking is archaic in that I kind of feel that girls should be smaller than guys. I will, most likely, never be smaller than Matt. We're just opposites in that he can't gain weight to save his life, and I can't lose any to save mine. Even when we were both busting our asses at the gym, he never weighed more than 5 lbs. more than me, and he was still smaller than me. That doesn't seem very fair.

My parents don't really help the situation. I've definitely heard snide comments about other family members weights coming out of both of their mouths. My Mom, however, I can't figure out at all. Apparently there's a very small range at which she considers you to look good. Outside of that, you are either to thin or too fat. At the moment, I'm getting to be on the thin side of her ideal. I even went so far as to make sure I wore loose clothing when I went to Cleveland, so I wouldn't have to listen to her tell me I was too thin. And yet, I feel like a cow.

Matt gave me permission to be anorexic tonight. He was joking about his inability to put on any weight and told me to "just run a mile-and-a-half three times a week, and don't eat." Ha ha ha! The irony of course being that I can't count the number of times I've wished for enough self-discipline to have an eating disorder. No, that wouldn't solve my problems, but for some reason it's one area that I can't keep myself from being a stupid girl about. For some reason I always think that I could just be anorexic until I weighed x-amount, and then I could stop. Yeah right! But, for some reason, I always think I'm different.

Anyway, with the realization  that I will never be happy with my size, I can't help but wonder, "What do I do now?" I'm incapable of stopping my attempts, because I can't stand the thought of living in this body forever. At the same time, I'm not sure I can take constantly failing. So, I guess I'm at an impasse. That sucks!

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

I'm a little bit tired of the hypocrisy in Christianity today, and a lot tired of radical "Christians" who are outspoken and in your face, but who's actions and attitudes don't really demonstrate the fruit of the spirit: love, gentleness, kindness, etc.

This is an odd topic after not having written for such a long period, but I've been dealing with a lot in terms of church bureaucracy, as well as "blind" and "deaf" ministers. I saw a video on Youtube tonight that basically was a continuation of the Merry Christmas v. Happy Holidays debate/debacle. It's not that I really care about the debate over phraseology, but I what I find rather upsetting is the fact that there are so many professed Christians in staunch opposition to Happy Holidays who choose to leave snide, sarcastic, ignorant, derogatory, and offensive comments in response. They use something, like a song, to spark debates over hundreds of unrelated issues so they can pass judgment on others for their beliefs or even viewpoints. There were Christians arguing in cyberspace with other Christians over the fact that one was not radical enough to suit the other. Doesn't the Bible say something about a speck and a board that fits nicely into this scenario.

It just made my heart hurt that people will make Christianity look foolish and condemning to suit their own purposes instead of seeking the purpose of the God they are supposedly defending. It's not that I profess to know God's will or viewpoint; none of us really can. I do, however, have my own views of God, and I don't think this would make Him happy. Sad or Angry seem to fit better. It almost makes me wish that you had to pass some kind of test to call yourself a Christian. It almost makes me ashamed to call myself one.